I never walk home with headphones anymore; but, now I laugh off comments hoping to hide my discomfort and I avoid streets after dark. I follow the rules specifically created to protect women from harm. Most women can recite these by heart. From holding keys in between your fingers to phrases like “let me know when you get back home safe” after a night out with your friends. These are only some of the rules we follow “just in case”. Rules designed to keep us safe, rules men rarely have to consider; rules so embedded in our lives that we no longer question them.
Sexism did not disappear with our right to vote or to open a bank account. It just became more subtle, disguising itself. Once noticed, it is impossible to ignore. Sexism hides itself in our fake laughs when we dismiss jokes from male colleagues. It is the keys we hold and the trainers we choose over heels - just in case we need to get home quickly. Danger weighs on our shoulders when we walk home after dark. From sexist comments hidden behind seemingly innocent jokes to the line drawn between the standards for men and women, mirrored in the language we use (for example, has anyone ever called a man “bossy” before?). We are still fighting for a place that is safe and equal. We are struggling to get our voices truly heard and to ensure our physical safety - which seems like the very baseline that should have been achieved a long time ago. For example, at university vigilance has become routine. We learn which streets, near campus, to avoid and learn to watch our drinks on nights out. This indicates the scale of the issue. Even texting our friends to say we got home safely should not feel routine. But it does.
Although our culture condemns sexism and claims it has no place in modern society, it seems that we have failed to recognise who is at fault: men. Most pieces of advice out there centre around women and how we can prevent any potential harm, from men, ourselves. Advice about clothing, paths to choose to get home safely, even official campaigns encouraging bystanders to actively step in - by striking a conversation when they see someone harassed. All of these lack the recognition of where the problem truly lies. We choose to teach women not to get assaulted, as we are uncomfortable teaching men not to assault.
Even though the unwritten rules are presented as protection for women, the rules harm women too. Particularly as, when a woman is actually harmed - whether through assault, rape, or any other form of abuse - the first question asked is whether she followed the rules:
- What was she wearing?
- Why was she out that late?
- Did she say no?
- Surely, it must have been her fault somehow…
But these rules are designed to protect women. Yet they actively blame women and shift the attention from the actual perpetrators.
Our deep inability to change the narrative demonstrates that we live in a society which would rather regulate women’s behaviour than challenge men and the harm they cause. The first step to dismantle our need for these rules is to question why we need them in the first place. Women are not the problem, nor is their clothing, their manner, or their level of drunkenness. They deserve to be able to walk outside after dark without worrying about how to protect themselves. The question was never whether we followed the rules. The question is why we need them in the first place.
Written by Julie Capkova